Gay Crisis in the 21st Century

My Fellow Americans,

I write this in dire times. Several young men have taken their lives due to bullying over their sexuality. I, too, was bullied growing up: called names like faggot and faerie and homo. In second grade! My first crush was on Mark Schumaker and he tortured me with name-calling. This was I fought through every time we moved to new base. But it was at this base in Hawaii where I had my first crush on the class bully, that the next year, I was molested by the 15 year old boy who lived at the other end of our building. It happened for a year. I had no one to turn to because I was ashamed, felt dirty, and didn't know where to turn. So I just put up with it until finally, his family moved away.

I didn't have very many friends and was usually the outcast. I walked down the hall looking down at the floor, only far enough ahead to avoid walking into anything. I barely spoke to anyone and wished desperately to be accepted and be one of the popular kids. But I didn't know how... I had no self-confidence, didn't feel as though I had any support at home, ostracized and alone. I contemplated suicide regularly for years, all the way up until my mid twenties, but I was always too chickenshit to actually go through with it. And these stories have never before been told, until now.

Being called faggot and faerie and homo in second grade is when I went into the closet and hid there for half my life. I learned early on that being gay was "wrong" and that I was supposed to like girls, and that liking girls was "normal," and so I despised myself for always wanting to look at the boy when I couple walked down the street.

Round about sixth grade, I found my dad's adult collection, and again, found myself more drawn to the images of the men than the women, as I started exploring my own sexuality. But again, I was "wrong and abnormal" for so doing, and so I began to lead a double life within my own self--on the outside, I tried to be what was expected, and this is what drove me through high school, college, and my time in the Air Force: straight, involved in everything--in high school, I did 3 sports, yearbook, worked in the student store, drama, chorus, anything and everything to get my faced splashed on the pages of the yearbook, because I thought that made you popular. I even ran for student government, but never won and wasn't popular enough to be elected to any of the formal dance courts. I think now, looking back, that I was the ONLY one of my friends who wasn't! Wow, reflection can be a bitch sometimes...

But on the inside, I was crushing on boys at school who, whenever I saw them, my heart pounded at the thought of, "what if they liked guys, too...?" Fantasies abounded, even with some of my friends! But I could never tell anyone that. I was going to go into the Air Force and fly planes, and Don't Ask, Don't Tell wasn't even around yet. I'll discuss THAT later... But that was the hell I lived in every single day

Then I got to college and met a guy in the chorus. Without exploring the details, I'll just say that I lost my virginity with him, and began to experience and experiment. It was a brief affair, after which my closeted reputation started to once again make an appearance so I had to work twice as hard to fight that off, being that I was at a military college, pursuing a commission through ROTC. Having that reputation was simply unacceptable. So the next year, when that same guy came to me again, I turned on him and tried to bring him up and sexual harassment charges, thinking that would clear MY name... Nothing came of it, thankfully, and I have since apologized profusely to him, and apologized to me for trying to pressure me into something I wasn't ready then to deal with. At least that ended on a high note.

But I was still grappling with my inner demons, lusting for men... And there were a couple of clumsy experiences behind locked doors at hotel parties and that sort of thing, but other than the three times with that first guy, I was asexual right up through the end of my SIXTH year of college. In that time, however, I "tried" to have sex with girls, but it just didn't ring my bell and it never worked out. I have no regrets about that, because now I'm a "Gold-Star Gay." Pure. Hahaha.

And home life was still non-supportive, making it harder. I had no one to talk to about how I felt. I didn't know how to deal with my emotions. Growing up in a family of six, I always felt like my older sister was daddy's little girls, younger sister was mommy's little girl, and younger brother was the baby. I had the middle child syndrome, fighting for attention. And I acted out a few times: shoplifting gum from the military Shoppette (which got my dad in trouble), tried running away from home, faked an attempted kidnapping (again, on base and involving military police)--all in the hopes that my family would learn to appreciate having me around.

This is embarrassing to tell, but it's part of who I am today. And I wouldn't change a thing, because as they say, that which does not kill us... It taught me self-reliance: that I couldn't count on anyone but myself, and so I started building my inner strength. I was very fortunate in my last two years of high school to fall into a group of friends who were "outcasts" like me for one reason or another--the skaters, metal heads, slackers, the non-populars (non-pops). As it turned out, these were the people who didn't care about keeping up appearances and fitting in. They had the strength of mind to be who they were, dictates be damned. And ironically, it was we misfits who became the majority, and therefore the in-crowd. And I was part of that. but I still had proving to do to be cool, so when living in Europe, you do as they do--drink. Lots. I made for a lot of high school stories, the most famous of which was junior/senior prom my junior year when I threw up on the vice-principle and my dad had to come and pick me up. It was a dark night. But it's an amusing story for another time.

And finally, there were the suicide "attempts"... The first in college: I was so upset with who I was on the inside, and talking to my mom, who it seems rather enjoys throwing my short-comings back in my face like a weapon, was absolutely no help. So I ran down to the train tracks and laid down, waiting for the evening train to come through. I had had enough. But it was my younger sister, also attending college, was brought out from her job at the pizzeria in town, and talked me off the tracks. The second, and last time was less than a year after enlisting in the Air Force. At this point, I had come out to my mother, unbeknownst to me that she had just rediscovered Jesus after being Buddhist for more than 15 years. I thought of all people, that I could tell her, and I was afraid to tell my dad. As it turns out, my dad is completely fine with it, but my mom... that was a rough time. And I came out as being "bi," but that was just my attempt at trying to hold on to a life that never really existed. To complicate things, I had a crush like I had never had before on a guy who strung me along with platitudes of, "I'm curious about guys, and if I ever were to cross that line, I would trust it to be with you," type of talk. Which really screwed me up in the head. And my jealousy over his girlfriend consumed me. Ultimately, I took a couple of handfuls of Tylenol and Benedryl and washed them down with a lot of beer. Enter accute nephritis--kidney failure. I landed in the hospital for a eight days, but no one knew why, until my posting this.

So what's my point with this diatribe: Kids out there, wherever you are, you are NOT alone! We've all been through it in some form at some point in our lives. I am now in culinary school and I love who I am, I love my life, I am surrounded by the love of MANY friends and family and my life has never been so rich! I have a bright future ahead and I'm excited as to where life will take me. You need to find that passion and let THAT be your motivation, not the sadness of social ostracism. If some people don't like you, oh well. It's their loss, not yours. There are others out there who will love and embrace you for who you are. Just get out there and find them. Wrap yourself up in them like a blanket. You'll find comfort, joy, peace, and acceptance. You just just have to make it through the hard parts and you'll get to the good parts.

With the gay torture case in the Bronx--gang members cutting with box cutters, burning with cigarettes, beating and sodomizing with wooden plunger handles, the gays that they captured; with Paladino, the republican candidate for NY state governor, spewing forth his acrid anti-gay hatred which Palin supports; with the antiquated Don't Ask Don't Tell policy in the military--it started out as a first step by removing the "are you gay" question off of the entrance interview, but now it's long overdue to take the next step and repeal DADT all together and allow LGBT soldiers, sailors, airmen, and marines to serve openly and proudly--It's time more now than ever to fight for our equal rights. Sexual orientation needs to be added to the protected status against discrimination, just as race, gender, color, or creed. The time is now, America. NO MORE HATE. SAVE OUR YOUTH.